Embrace the Wander: How to Build and Keep a New Habit

Some of us started New Years Resolutions in January and some of us are just trying to keep new habits we started at other times. Either way, trying to stay consistent with habits when the newness wears off is a challenge for everyone (myself included).

So, how do we build and keep the habits we want in our life? 

While there is no one-size-fits-all approach, here are some things I have found helpful for clients and myself. As always, take what is helpful and discard what is not. 

1. Remember, growth isn’t linear

growth usually looks like this

It’s easy to forget that growth isn’t a straight line. As a former teacher, I can assure you that learning is not a straightforward, linear process. It’s messier than that. Learning requires forgetting, remembering, and practice to “make it stick.” Understanding this is vital not to discourage change but to set realistic expectations. When people start out with a black and white, all-or-nothing mindset, it is easy to get discouraged by one setback and give up. 

Instead, think of learning/behavior change as an upward spiral. When building a new habit, we start out strong (about 2 weeks) because it’s new and exciting, but often, something disrupts it (because life is unpredictable). Then we have to begin again, but we’ve already started it once, so it’s a little easier to start again. Eventually, another disruption will happen and will kick us off our game, but our rebound will be even easier this time because we’ve already practiced this. Rinse and repeat this process until disruptions become a normal part of our consistency routine. 

2. Build in flexibility

build in many opportunities to complete your goal

The only thing we can predict in life is change. It’s not a fun fact, but it’s universally true. So, when you’re trying to start a new habit, jamming in a new rigid rule isn’t going to set you up for success. Instead, build in flexibility by planning for disruptions. For my clients, I love to build in a “flex day/time” on the calendar. It’s backup time. If something comes up, you automatically have another day/time already planned for. Consistency doesn’t mean every day; it means more often than not (and that can be in the average).

3. Turn up the volume on your inner coach (or use a real coach)

Who inspires you and why?

Our inner critics can take up a lot of the airtime in our heads. It’s time to turn up the inner coach or inner cheerleader. Inner critics produce guilt or shame, and whenever you don’t meet “expectations,” it is not productive. If guilt and shame worked, it would have worked a long time ago. But inner coaches are supportive, compassionate, and build you up. An inner coach is focused on meeting you where you’re at and getting you to where you want to go WITHOUT demoralizing you. If you don’t have an inner coach voice, think of a loved one you can always count on for support and put their voice in your head or a past coach who was supportive or hire a supportive coach to help you develop your inner coach! 

4. Couple your new habit to an old habit

Linking behaviors together is a great strategy.

This is an incredibly effective strategy. Find a habit you already do each week or even daily (i.e., brushing your teeth, listening to your favorite podcast, watching you favorite tv show, etc.) and pair it with the new habit you’re trying to build. It works because “neurons that fire together wire together.” This means that when neurons fire near each other during an event, it strengthens their connection. It’s a great way to jump-start a new habit, especially when it is happening alongside something you enjoy, because a positive association with your new habit helps with consistency. 

5. Consistency ≠ Rigid

Being flexible is the best way to be consistent

Fitness and diet culture trains people to think of being consistent as a rigid schedule, like you have to wake up at 5 am to workout every morning without fail. But for so many people, that is unrealistic and unworkable, so they often give up. However, if you think of consistency as more days than not, as an average, you realize it is much more doable than not. It doesn’t have to be punishing, rigid, and forced into your life. Your new habit can be fluid, flexible, and fit into your life. 

Remember, behavior is just information, not a moral assessment of yourself. So, if one strategy doesn’t work, try another and keep practicing. It takes a while to build a habit. Be kind to yourself. Shame and guilt make unwanted behavior - especially rebellion - stronger while hurting your sense of self and confidence in your capabilities. Try kindness. Finally, every day, hour, and moment is an opportunity to support yourself. If you miss the mark one second, you can just begin again. You are worth the work. You are worth the time. You deserve love, especially from yourself.